In the past 3 weeks, I have only posted once. I know some of my friends got worried, because they know that no matter how busy I get, I don’t usually boycott my blog. Or my Twitter account. Or my e-mail. Or my bloggy friends. Let alone all four.
So I feel like I owe you an explanation.
Some of you know that the move from New York to Zurich wasn’t something I was looking forward to. If you read my blog regularly, you know that’s an understatement.
When I arrived here, I decided to approach things differently. I blogged about it. It was easier to approach it lightly then, during the first month, when we lived in a small flat which kind of felt like a hotel room, and I hadn’t quite “landed” yet. I did feel like a tourist then. And being able to keep in touch with friends and sharing things on the blog made the transition much easier.
Then we moved to our apartment. And all of a sudden, there I was, surrounded by boxes, and it all came crashing down. Damn, I’m really here. For a while, maybe for good. And I was unplugged, for 10 whole days. That was very unfortunate timing. Because all of a sudden, I was missing New York more than ever, missing my friends, missing everything I left behind, and at the same time having to create a new life here for the whole family, and transform the apartment from a complete mess to a lovely place, our home, in the blink of an eye. Because the pressure of getting my s*** together on several fronts at once came and I had no way of diluting it, because I had no phone and no internet.
I know many won’t understand what I’m going on about. What are you complaining about? You are in Switzerland, for Pete’s sake.
Many see traveling to Europe as an incredibly glamourous, awesome thing. That may be true to a degree, when you are visiting places like Italy or England. In fact, it’s pretty awesome to visit anywhere, I think. However, when it comes to living somewhere, a place where you don’t like the language so you don’t get to practice it much, a place where your personality is not only not appreciated but you really don’t fit in, because you laugh too much, smile at strangers, talk too loud, talk too much, are too friendly, and to the locals it all borders on inappropriate, you border on inappropriate… I can get a kick out of being inappropriate sometimes, but when my entire personality makes it obvious that I am a fish out of water? Not so much fun.
Before moving to NY, I lived in Switzerland for almost 8 years. The last year, I finally felt sort of well-adjusted. I know that, but I don’t remember it. I only remember the 7 years before that, when I always felt like an alien. And it’s scary. It’s scary that I can’t think of a single activity that appeals to me that I can do on a regular basis here. It’s either too expensive or not available at all. I can only think of two friends I would actually like to hang out with. And that’s the one consolation, having these two friends, having someone who knows what this feels like, having something to look forward to, when we can finally meet (neither lives in Zurich).
Sometimes, I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. It’s like I completely lost all sense of purpose and direction. I know I have to take Sarah to school, make meals, take care of Stella, “manage the household”. Beyond that, I have no idea. Or rather, I have no drive. It’s pathetic, really. And man, I hope I can shake it. Because I just cannot tolerate the thought that a move to Switzerland will change me into a pathetic, whiny, sad creature, a scaredy cat with low-self-esteem, for the second time. No.Bloody.Way.
I’m going to kick this. I know I will. I have to. But I’m working on it. And that’s why no blog posts, I’m kind of processing things. And since blogging always helped me, I decided to share this. Hopefully it’s a good start.
Thank you for being there. You are what I think of when I need a push to get out of this funk.
Love,
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