I have just returned from a date with my husband. We ate at a cute new bistro near where we live, and then we went to the movies. Which is where the romantic evening I had envisioned crawled up and died. Or rather, fell asleep. Because as unlikely as I thought that might be, the movie was incredibly boring. And I mean seriously, majorly, I’d-rather-be-at-the-dentist-or-at-the-ob/gyn-or-please-God-anywhere-else-but-here boring. The kind of boring that makes you think “Wow, those are three hours of my life I’ll never get back”.
Think I’m being a tad dramatic? Well, that’s probably because you haven’t seen the movie. Go see it after you are done reading this, I dare ya. Then come back and tell me. Yes, you can tell me about it after your post-movie nap.
Ok, I don’t really want you to go see it – not unless you really want to. Because if you want to waste 10 bucks (or whatever the price of a movie ticket is there days, don’t know, my husband paid) there’s other things you could do, like get a good book and read. Or go to a Barnes & Nobles, get a cappuccino and a copy of InStyle and chill while simultaneously keeping up to date withe current trends. Or, I don’t know, go to H&M and get a scarf or something. Or catch up on sleep. So many better things come to mind.
But because I know you won’t believe me unless I post a somewhat professional movie review, I will give it my best shot. As far as the format goes, at least.
Title: Watchmen
Genre: fusion. “Comic book movie” meet “spoof” meet “film noir” meet “science fiction” meet… I don’t know, something really boring.
Summary: weird old super-heroes with costumes that range from ridiculous to slutty, and including a blue guy wearing absolutely nothing. That’s right, one of the super heroes was a very tall, very blue, very n*ked guy. Who, by the way, was very philosophical. How everyone stayed serious when he talked about scientific phenomena and metaphysics while being buck n*ked is a testament to how terribly unlikely and unreal the story was.
Anyway, summary: the former superhero who smokes the cigar and wears the costume that looks like a cross between a G.I. Joe doll and a dirty, second-hand quarterback uniform gets kicked around and thrown out the window by an unknown villain. (He happens to be played by the actor who pays Denny on Grey’s. That poor guy just dies over and over.)
The psychotic former superhero who is kind of dressed like a detective-who-became-a-hobo breaks into places, hurts people and talks in a low, sort of hissy voice that make you want to reach into the screen to hand him a cough drop.
The daughter of the gal with the slutty costume, now a superheroine (that sounds bad) with her very own slutty costume and super-high stiletto heels has s-e-x with the tall blue n*ked man (the only scene in the movie when him being n*ked makes sense) but then gets mad at him and dumps him and goes hang out with the former superhero who looks like the child of Batman and Catwoman, and then has s-e-x with him on the hovercraft. Very visual, by the way. Waaaay too much information.
Also, said superhero was played by the guy who played Raoul in The Phantom of the Opera, so every time there was a shot of him without costume and without glasses I’d get a flashback of him singing “Christiiiine, that’s all I ask of youuuuu“.
Anyway, to make a long (loooong, very long) story short, one of the former good guys is a bad guy and… I don’t want to give away the ending, since you might decide to see the movie despite all my warnings (you masochist, you); and if you do, feel free to fall asleep during hour two but try to be awake during part of hour three so you can see the ending and feel like you got your money’s worth.
As far as I’m concerned, the only real superhero in the story was the slutty daughter of the former slutty superheroine, because she could kick the bad guys’ butt in stilettos. I can’t even run after my toddler in stilettos, so my hat’s off to her.
Duration: 3 long, long hours.
Nudity: much. In fact, way too much. Especially the blue guy, he totally creeped me out. In fact, the whole movie traumatized me. To much n*ked, too much talking, too much cheesiness… it literally suffocated whatever plot there may have been. Although perhaps there wasn’t much plot, in which case all that other stuff was sort of a brilliant way to conceal it, I guess. If by brilliant you mean tedious, monotonous and several other synonyms of boring.
And you know what? My husband kind of liked it. How we stayed married 12 years, I don’t know. But I do know that my rehab shall include something funny and short, where everybody is fully dressed.
