From the category archives:

humor

Kicking my own butt into gear

by Elisa on December 30, 2009

in diet,humor,ramblings

Dear me,

The time has come, sweet cheeks. Seriously, the time is really really overripe. It’s time to start tightening the belt without suffocating, time to stop looking like a more fashionable version of Jabba The Hut. Time to stop giving the Michelin man a run for his money, time to stop scaring yourself every time you walk in front of the mirror coming out of the shower.

It’s time, girl. I know, I know that chocolate is hard to give up. Especially Swiss chocolate. But you live here, it’s not like you have to apply “Carpe Diem” to the chance to eat Swiss chocolate, it isn’t a one-off.

And I know you can be strong and curb your enthusiasm for Starbucks drinks for a little while. Although admittedly, it might be a little longer than a little while, because let’s face it, it’s been a long time coming.

But you won’t be alone. Your best friend is already doing her crazy thing. And no doubt many of your friends will join you in  your efforts to defeat the bulge once and for all, as part of their New Year’s resolutions. And you could easily join the latest challenge in the Sisterhood of Shrinking Jeans. In fact, why not do just that? You know everything is more fun when done in group, even stuff that wasn’t that much fun to begin with, like drinking meal replacement shakes twice a day. Or getting back into exercise. Because let’s face it, the idea to do 20 minutes on the elliptical right now sounds just about as appealing as slicing off one of your ears. So start with something else. Start with the Wii Fit. Or with the EAS Active. Or really, with anything that can keep that needs-its-own-zipcode, too-large-for-your-jeans, flabby ass moving for 20 minutes.

Yes, 20 minutes. Stop being so damn picky and shoot lower. You don’t have to do everything perfect from the get go. Start smaller, and chances are you might just get smaller, too.

And don’t think I can’t see you there, looking all thoughtful. Don’t even think about a “last hurray” meal! Ok, do you need tough love? Let’s do that. Think of what happened this morning. You tweeted it too. What? Carrots work better than whips with you? Fine. Let’s count the reasons why it would make you happy to be, oh, say a good 2 sizes smaller? Let’s.

- Skinny jeans.

- Sexy lingerie.

- A much bigger selection of fabulous clothes to shop for when you go to Italy next spring, or to New York next summer.

- Confidence. Can’t put a price on that.

What? Need more? Two words: Shopping.Spree.

Remember the shopping spree you were promised when you finally hit your goal weight? That’s going to happen, girl. Now, go on. Jump on that elliptical, and then you can start making the list of stuff you’d buy. ’cause there’s nothing wrong with counting those chicks, as long as it gets you going ;-)

And you? Are you going to join the challenge?

Rethink Your Shrink!

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In Sardinia, where I’m from, there are two summer staples: white and gold. I don’t do either.

Gold just seems to have a gaudy quality to it – especially when there’s gold sandals added to the mix. Sure, I own gold jewelry, mostly gifts from my Italian family. I’ll wear gold jewelry occasionally. But never pile it on, the way they do at home, with a gold necklace, one or two gold bracelets, a gold wedding band, and often a few more gold rings.

I prefer white gold and silver – more low-maintenance, more casual. I guess I could include platinum there, except I don’t own anything in platinum. As my friend M. once said: “I love jewelry, but I refuse to wear anything on my finger that someone may feel is worth more than the finger itself.” She was afraid of someone cutting off her finger to steal the ring, you see. Which is why her husband never had to bother getting a second mortgage on their home to get her the ring she originally wanted for their anniversary. (Just kidding. He wouldn’t have needed a second mortgage. Though that ring did cost like a small car. Or a motorbike.)

What about the other summer staple back home? White? Please. It may be the color of purity and all, but it’s much less so when there’s a big fat red wine or pasta sauce stain on it. Then it just looks extra-sloppy. Not to mention white attracts bugs, too – the same way they are attracted to light, they buzz towards white. Which seriously begs the question: why would I wear white, ever? I don’t. When you go out with kids you already have to watch out for their little sticky paws, which is how you learn the complicated manouvers required to pick up a very dirty child without getting any of the dirt/sauce/color/[fill the blank] on you. Do I ever want to become a total freak about picking up my child by wearing white? I don’t think so.

I know there are people who don’t feel the way I do. People with more grace perhaps, who know they won’t get stains on their pristine white outfit. Or maybe just people who don’t care that much if they get stains on it.

You know what else I don’t do? Skinny jeans. Oh, yes, I know they make them in my size. But in my opinion, my much-less-than-slim thighs and butt REALLY do not belong in skinny jeans, or anything that tight for that matter. I’m pretty sure that I’d feel like a sausage. Probably look like one, too.

Combine white with skinny jeans, one of the current trends, and you have something I don’t even want to be close to.

Although apparently the latest-latest-really-so-much-it-isn’t-even-in-stores trend for skinny jeans is camouflage. Camouflage? Seriously? Not for me. Don’t like it. I think it should be saved for soldiers and hunters. Not even bounty hunters should wear it, because let’s face it, black is a much better color for cargos and combat boots. You look much scarier in black.

There’s a reason for camouflage, and unless you need to, you know… camouflage, I don’t think you should wear it. Although I think I may have just gotten a genius idea. A mom camouflage. You know, where instead of green, brown and khaki etc you have a mix of ketchup-red, chocolate brown, various ice-cream colors, and a bit of off-white thrown in for nursing moms. You know how awesome that would be? Moms would flock to get it, I’m sure. So many moms complain that all their clothes have child-related stains on them… that wouldn’t be a problem anymore: the stains would be camouflaged because of the mom camo. Awesome.

Mind you, I wouldn’t wear it. It would be hideous. But very practical.

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Copyright Elisa Bieg, 2008-2009.