humor

In Sardinia, where I’m from, there are two summer staples: white and gold. I don’t do either.

Gold just seems to have a gaudy quality to it – especially when there’s gold sandals added to the mix. Sure, I own gold jewelry, mostly gifts from my Italian family. I’ll wear gold jewelry occasionally. But never pile it on, the way they do at home, with a gold necklace, one or two gold bracelets, a gold wedding band, and often a few more gold rings.

I prefer white gold and silver – more low-maintenance, more casual. I guess I could include platinum there, except I don’t own anything in platinum. As my friend M. once said: “I love jewelry, but I refuse to wear anything on my finger that someone may feel is worth more than the finger itself.” She was afraid of someone cutting off her finger to steal the ring, you see. Which is why her husband never had to bother getting a second mortgage on their home to get her the ring she originally wanted for their anniversary. (Just kidding. He wouldn’t have needed a second mortgage. Though that ring did cost like a small car. Or a motorbike.)

What about the other summer staple back home? White? Please. It may be the color of purity and all, but it’s much less so when there’s a big fat red wine or pasta sauce stain on it. Then it just looks extra-sloppy. Not to mention white attracts bugs, too – the same way they are attracted to light, they buzz towards white. Which seriously begs the question: why would I wear white, ever? I don’t. When you go out with kids you already have to watch out for their little sticky paws, which is how you learn the complicated manouvers required to pick up a very dirty child without getting any of the dirt/sauce/color/[fill the blank] on you. Do I ever want to become a total freak about picking up my child by wearing white? I don’t think so.

I know there are people who don’t feel the way I do. People with more grace perhaps, who know they won’t get stains on their pristine white outfit. Or maybe just people who don’t care that much if they get stains on it.

You know what else I don’t do? Skinny jeans. Oh, yes, I know they make them in my size. But in my opinion, my much-less-than-slim thighs and butt REALLY do not belong in skinny jeans, or anything that tight for that matter. I’m pretty sure that I’d feel like a sausage. Probably look like one, too.

Combine white with skinny jeans, one of the current trends, and you have something I don’t even want to be close to.

Although apparently the latest-latest-really-so-much-it-isn’t-even-in-stores trend for skinny jeans is camouflage. Camouflage? Seriously? Not for me. Don’t like it. I think it should be saved for soldiers and hunters. Not even bounty hunters should wear it, because let’s face it, black is a much better color for cargos and combat boots. You look much scarier in black.

There’s a reason for camouflage, and unless you need to, you know… camouflage, I don’t think you should wear it. Although I think I may have just gotten a genius idea. A mom camouflage. You know, where instead of green, brown and khaki etc you have a mix of ketchup-red, chocolate brown, various ice-cream colors, and a bit of off-white thrown in for nursing moms. You know how awesome that would be? Moms would flock to get it, I’m sure. So many moms complain that all their clothes have child-related stains on them… that wouldn’t be a problem anymore: the stains would be camouflaged because of the mom camo. Awesome.

Mind you, I wouldn’t wear it. It would be hideous. But very practical.

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