It has been 9 days since my last post.
Everything is ok, nobody is hurt, nothing bad happened… but I have had to face the fact that I might be dealing with a bit of burnout. Not specifically blog-related, either.
You might remember that not too long ago, my husband went on a trip and had to stay away for six weeks. Six weeks of doing it all, with both girls, including German homework, home stuff, small emergencies. Six weeks when I started out ok, then stumbled, then got up and kept going, but feeling a little bruised. By the end of the six weeks, I was exhausted, and frankly a little resentful towards my husband. I was also mad at myself for not being better at this – after all, there are single mothers all around the world doing this all year long, and here I was wussing out after 6 short (ha!) weeks.
This stuff is hard. Being a mom is hard. This isn’t about working hard on no sleep and getting little acknowledgement or appreciation. Been there, done that.
This is about working hard, often on little sleep, often being so stressed and so busy you forget to eat, and getting little appreciation, and having to be patient and play nice and help with homework and make meals and give cuddles and be loving and caring and sing lullabies and read books at bedtime even when you are so exhausted you can barely think straight… and get ready to start over the next day.
Tracking? Good. Now try doing that without any support system, without any family around, in a country that has been home for years but doesn’t feel like it, a country you kind of like but still need regular breaks from just so you won’t go nuts.
Still with me? You might just see where I was when my husband finally got back. I was so happy to see him, so relieved he was back… but I didn’t feel better.
And in the past month or so since he’s been back, everything has been feeling like hard work, often a giant pain in the butt. It’s like I have virtually run out of patience, understanding and willingness to help. (I say virtually, because I still have enough decency left in me to want to be nice.)
Which is when I thought of something I read in a book once:
There. I’m a dry well. That describes how I feel fairly accurately.
I still love my family and my friends, but I don’t feel like doing anything for or with anybody. I just wish I could spend one weekend somewhere I don’t know anyone and I could do whatever I want, or do nothing at all, without anyone to ask what I’m doing, what I’m reading, or ask me to make them a sandwich.
There’s a very slim chance I am going to get that just now, the timing is simply awful. But the girls are on vacation, and at the very least I don’t have to get up early every day. And we can do stuff: go to the zoo, take a boat trip on the Zurich lake, make brownies and popsicles, go for a picnic, make bracelets.
That sounds tiring. But it also sounds like fun. It sounds like stuff I might want to get off my butt to do, voluntarily, because I want to, not because I have to.
Maybe I am not sick of everything, just sick of the daily routine. I’ve always known that I thrive on changes and the unexpected, it’s part of why I love traveling so much. Maybe the best cure for this type of burnout isn’t rest, but fun.
Which means that summer might be just what the doctor ordered.
Here’s hoping.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Aaaawww sweetie! Am so sad to hear that you feel like this….. I can imagine that it’s hard work… I hope you get that energy back ASAP and that you can get rid of some “musts” from your life for a while while you recover.
….and in the meantime, spend some quality time and cash down at Yoo moo!! Was there on Saturday as we were passing through – worth every penny!
Big hugs!
x
Linda
Hope you feel a bit better after venting! Sometimes life can be tough – even though it has its rewards – it’s tough whilst you are experiencing the low points. Homework can be bad enough – but in German!! If women had wives the world would be a lot less stressful don’t you think?
Now I think I understand your comment on my blog today – for which I thank you – at first I thought you had your former and latter options confused. Perhaps not after all…..!
Hope things improve and that the things you ‘choose’ to do, rather than the things you ‘have’ to do, in these coming weeks go some way to filling the well that sounds as though it is almost dry.
You’d love Scotland by the way (apart from this awful rain which cheers no-one!)
‘Chin up’ as they say in these parts.
you need to prioritize yourself sometimes! take that solo w/e trip!
Oh Elisa you sound very sad in this post:-( I know the feeling quite well ..when I felt like this though, I wasn’t even in a foreign country , I was here in the UK.
My daughter in law had to deal with 6months whilst my son went away to Iraq with the RAF .. only contact was every now and again they did Skype, they have one little girl.
I love the quote from the book, soooo true
Take care of yourself treat yourself and get your mojo back .. xx
So sorry to hear, sweetie! I can’t even imagine how hard that must be. It’s good to let it all out. Hopefully you’re able to find some peace or find some fun soon. Something at least to break up the monotony. Kisses xoxo
Thank you for being so honest! I don’t feel people share this part of being a housewife, and being an expat, often. As a new expat who has already felt some of that despair, it’s comforting to hear. I know getting out in the sun has helped me the past few days – fingers crossed this good weather lasts. I hope sharing your thoughts was somewhat therapeutic, and gives you the motivation to try some of those fun summer activities to see if it gets you a fresh perspective. Take care of yourself and best wishes!
Elisa,
My post got ahead of itself there, my apologies. I hope the summer helps you feel better. Mothering is not easy. I love the quote that you included, it is so true.
I know you might have heard this already, but I 100% understand where you’re coming from. Do take a few nights off for yourself with some friends or just for a movie on your own without anyone to take care off. I’m sure your husband will also appreciate the time to bond with the girls and make-up for his six weeks of no ‘daddy time’.
Another alternative, let him do all the parenting one weekend, while you are physically around but off limits to everyone. I’m not to sure how well this will work, but it might be worth a try, for that break from your routine that you really need.
hi elisa,
i don’t know where the time goes. i’ve been meaning to get in touch. i don’t have kids and i still find being an expat here deeply exhausting. it’s very brave of you to admit/share your challenges. i’ve stopped blogging because i couldn’t think of anything positive to write. so, thank you for the continued inspiration. are you still organizing the book swaps? xoxo, melania
Oh I can sure relate to this Elisa!! I spent many years as a single mom. Not Easy.
I think we all get burned out from time to time. I feel like running away from life sometimes…like to a desert island all by myself…with internet access of course!!
That will happen in my dreams.
Chin up Girl! Hope you have some fun! Wishing you colorful fun-filled days!! xo Jeanne
Hang in there chica! When I feel like this, I start dreaming of other things I would like to do, you know move or get a new job or buy a sailboat and sail around the world. Nine times out of ten I don’t end up doing those things but just thinking about what other options I have makes me feel better.
Thinking of you! Hugs!
I can sooo relate to this sentiment and hope you are recovering. I’d love to give you lots of wise advice about resting and taking a trip but I’m not even able to sort myself out at the moment! So I will join you briefly down the well xx ciao lisa
Dear Elisa,
Sounds to me like you need a holiday! Time to get out of Zurich on the next easyjet flight!!!! If it’s Sardegna, Turkey or Timbuktu, just keep heading south and tank some sunshine. It’ll work wonders.
Bon voyage.