Ooh, do you miss me like a hole in the head?
Because I do
And it’s cool
And ooh, I bet you never thought I’d get out of bed
Because of you
Such a fool
- Sugababes, “Hole in the head”
I was listening to this song on the radio yesterday, and it made me think of a friend. A friend who is really supportive, a loving mom and just an all-around lovely, fun, hard-working, decent person. A friend who is going through a divorce right now.
The details are not mine to share, but let’s just say I’m mad. I’m mad because she doesn’t deserve this, because she always put her family first and now she is getting screwed.
I’m mad because I don’t know how to help, other than putting a contract out on a couple of people who are really behaving like scum (and obviously I’m not about to do that.)
I’m mad because she is hurting so bad right now, she can’t see how much better off she is.
I’m mad because when my friends or anyone I care for hurts, I hurt for and with them, and for a time I truly despise whoever is causing the hurt.
I’m mad because I have been so absorbed in my own stuff that I haven’t been in touch with my friend for over 2 months, and the first conversation we had after 2 months was about this horrible thing that’s happening in her life, and how brokenhearted she is.
So basically, I’m kind of mad.
What do you tell someone who is going through that? He’s SO not worthy of your tears may be true, but I doubt it’ll make her feel better.
She always tells me she loves how I can make fun of stuff instead of getting all drama queen about it, how even when something sucks I manage to somehow make it sound ridiculous. She said she wished she could do that now. So it made me think that maybe making her a mixed CD of girl power/upbeat breakup songs might make her laugh. But then I stopped, because I don’t want her to think I’m trivializing this.
Also, because I was lucky enough not to have a breakup for a long time, I realize I may be approaching this in a really immature way, the way I might have handled it when I last broke up with someone. But I still remember that so clearly, too clearly in fact. And I remember what songs I listened to, because for a long time those songs reminded me of a certain person.
On top of the list was, of course, You oughta know by Alanis Morrisette. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in that one. Raise your hand if you ever sang along with Alanis, getting angry all over about… you know, bad relationship stuff. And certainly, being mad about it is better than getting mopey about it. Just as long as you keep your temper in check of course. And if you have trouble doing that… well, that’s when i found kickboxing 
(A girl needs an outlet, n’est-ce pas?)
Don’t speak by No Doubt also featured fairly heavily, but as I said, I preferred the angry mood to the mopey mood, so I tried to stick to songs that made me feel like I was telling the guy to get lost.
Do you think music helps when you are dealing with something like this? Or does it make things worse? What’s the best breakup song, or the one you remember the most?
Come on, spill. You know we’ve all been there at some point.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Having gone through a rough breakup in the last month, I have to say I’ve been rocking out to P!nk’s Funhouse. Especially ‘So What’. My two girls and I now know the words by heart, and everytime I begin to feel sad again, I put that song on, and embrace the new independence.
Last goodbye, Jeff Buckley.
No need to say more…I guess.
.-= marianna´s last blog ..People with real problems… =-.
As much as my musician husband hates to accept this, I’m just not that into music, so I have no ditties to suggest. Even though I believe in the power of it, I seem to lack the ability to retain names of artists/songs/albums.
However, it sounds like your friend gets the way you think, so maybe make the mix tape anyway. I’m always unsure if people understand where I’m coming from, so I’d probably write a letter or have a conversation with her explaining myself, but really, that’s just me. At the very least, you’ll have some tunes on hand to listen to after the next conversation about her hurt.
Good luck to her!
.-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..Goodbye cruel world, =-.
Best break up song? Please release me…. let me go… not sure who sang it most, but I think Engelburt Humperdink (not sure about spelling) sang it a few times.
Lovely blog you have, love your style.
Hope you are having a wonderful day.
Colin.
.-= sexy legs and body´s last blog ..FASHION, MORE CELEBS ON THE RED CARPET. =-.
Good darn question. What DO you say? I have not supported a friend through this and all I can think to do is say, “you tell me what you need and consider it done.” But that sounds lame. What do you do?
.-= Holly´s last blog ..Real sportsmen don’t ask questions. =-.
Yes – Jagged Little Pill. The whole album. And we all know someone who fits the ‘hidden’ song at the end, too.
That stinks for your friend. My cousin just went through a nasty divorce, and I just didn’t know how to help – but I tried. You’re a good friend…
.-= lz´s last blog ..Just what you wanted – more about me. =-.
I think it’s not trivialising anything if you make someone laugh. You can listen and be there and make them feel better all at once. It’s a gift as well.
.-= Mwa´s last blog ..Curve ball =-.
Maria Callas singing “Mon coeur s’ouvre a ta voix” from Samson & Delilah by Camille Saint-Saëns is heartbreaking. I could cry right now, listening to it. I would play this if I needed a release. It might be too intense to listen to while you’re in the midst of Pain. Mozart’s Requiem is on a whole other level and should be played with caution.
Nine Inch Nails – “Pretty Hate Machine” and Hole – “Live Through This” are fantastic albums which I’ve listened to from start to finish many many times. They energized and made me Angry, which helped me deal.
I think letting your friend know she’s not alone will help a lot. I do understand the pressure of wanting to say the Right thing, and also worrying that you might say the Wrong thing. I would let your friend know you love and support her. I would try to check in with her more often and see how she’s doing. Maybe you can send her a handmade card, or a scarf she can wear and feel protected. Remind her to drink enough water and try to be good to herself. Maybe a support group would help? Or if she is open to New Age things, a consultation with an astrologer.
The deepest loss I experienced was my dad’s death, which was a break-up with my former self. I remember appreciating all cards and emails and phone calls and flowers I received. My friends were amazing and that’s when I realized that when you are in crisis mode, no one can say the Right thing or take the pain away. It’s not about being cheered up, it’s about feeling loved and feeling you’re not alone. And ultimately, time truly does make everything easier.
I hope your friend will get through this pain as smoothly as possible. I send her strength.
Oh I like a good wallow. I rember listening to Sinead O’Connor “Nothing Compares to You” about a million times after one dumping. But kickboxing works, too, especially for/on assholes disguised as friends.
.-= Gwen´s last blog ..I Heard You the First Time, Dale Carnegie =-.
I’ll go with NIN (partly because I went to school with the original drummer!).
One of my best friends was dating someone and even went so far as to get engaged. I knew it would never work out, (because I can read her like a book) but I was supportive in whatever she wanted and honest when she asked me for my opinion. Finally, when it didn’t work out, I told her that I had always felt he wasn’t right for her; she asked me why I never said anything. It’s not our job to tell our friends what they should do and whom they should do it with. It’s our job to listen, laugh, get mad, be honest and say whatever it is you feel they need. She is your friend, gauge how she is feeling and you will totally know what to do because you are friends!
Oh yes, music features heavily in almost anything I’m going through. And you’re right, the mopey songs are no good. I find they make me feel just like that.. mopey.. rather than in control and empowered. I have such an emotional reaction to music, though, that I can’t think of a good song off the top of my head. I’ll have to think on that.
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Avocado Fields of Mitered Squares =-.
Poor thing. Don’t beat yourself up for being a bad friend – just be there for her now. Sometimes you don’t have to “do” anything.
Alanis, definitely, and also “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. Or Cake, depending on your era.
.-= Keely´s last blog ..One of these things is not like the other (in our favorite sushi restaurant) =-.
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Macy Gray ‘Still Hurts’… most songs by the Supremes, especially ‘Keep Me Hangin’ On’…