An open letter to Lady Gaga – or: Why you should never wear a dress made out of bubbles.

Dear Lady Gaga,

May I call you Gaga? ’cause this is really friendly advice here.

Gaga, you have a nice voice. You are also kind of cute and have nice legs. But seriously, girl, you have got to spend some of that hard-earned money and get yourself a stylist. Someone with your best interests at heart, who can draw a line… somewhere before a few unfortunate choices.

Case in point: your choice of outfit at the tour kickoff. Gaga, dear, when you hear that “bubble dresses” are really hot for spring, this is not exactly what is meant by that:

Bubbles are transparent. They are round. They don’t lend themselves to the molding of a well-shaped garment. Not without popping. And even when you find infrangible bubbles… well, let’s just say that they are not exactly the first thing I think of when I’m looking for something flattering.

We all admire you for having high self-esteem. Many of us could definitely use some (in fact, care to share? You seem to have plenty to go around.) But you should know that “I’m the kind of girl the one who cuts the line without a second thought” is not a trait to be proud of. It’s kind of obnoxious, actually, and if you are in NYC, you might actually get beaten up for that, even if you are currently Our Lady of Dance Music.

Since we are talking here, would you be so kind to pass a few notes to some fellow ladies in the entertainment industry? Look at it as good karma, passing better (dressing) judgment on.

To the Pussycat Dolls: really girls, you don’t need to convince us that you are up for anything – you have made your point. Now please, please ditch the head-to-toe pleather outfits, you are not Catwoman. (Why would you want to emulate her? You do know her movie tanked, right?). How about some normal fabric? There’s plenty to choose from, denim, cotton, linen, silk (look! it’s not just for lingerie!) and even pretty, airy voile – because yes, an outfit can be flattering and even sexy without clinging to yout every curve.

To Madonna: we know, you are still fabulous at your age, and you work very hard, and you have a fabulous body. Yes, yes, we know all that. Now be a dear and get dressed.

And please extend a general thank you to all famous and less famous gals alike, for finally making use of undergarments (or at least not being caught without): we are all very glad that the wave of starlets being immortalized going commando seems to have finally abated.

We also would like to thank you in advance for not jumping on that unfortunate ship, Gaga, and hope you will not disappoint us in that regard.

Your faithful (until something better comes along) listeners.

P.S. I would also like to say something to Amy Winehouse about perhaps going lighter on the eyeliner and teased beehive, but I was afraid she’d beat me up. Maybe she could quickly borrow your new stylist?